torment or be tormented

"Envy, jealousy, agony, they seemed to fill me up, so full yet I could not throw the infested emotions away."

This is a few paragraphs of a story I adapted from another narrative I wrote that intended to show self loathing and anxiety at the world. We are forever being asked things of us, and many of us are often sensitive and fearful of what those requests may be. Some people get scared to order at a local cafe, much worse when having to ask someone to help you in a clothing store. Although it isn't finished, I hope you can understand that the man may be perceived as a lunatic, laughing at his interactions with others yet disappearing into his emotions when alone but many of us live like this everyday. 

I had no presentiment it would all end differently and began to feel somehow terribly sad at that moment, like laughter was beginning to stir in my soul. An incredulous kind, for what else could a man do but laugh at difficult moments? A discomforting response, only a thin veil stitched over the truth. No, my ruminations remained tucked beneath my ribs, fluttering in the deep hollows of my chest, its breath caught in the threads of my reluctant smile. I fear my insides will cave within, buried musings gnawing and gnashing, relentless in pursuit yet fearful of rejection. For what else could a man do but mock his sorrow and smile at the weight of his anguish?

The sky splits open and the gods of heaven battle, with their acid tears scalding the quiet purity of night with their hands twisting in furious grasps, clashing like old lovers turned enemies. Their war songs beating, drowning the earth beneath the weight of their madness. My heart very nearly seems to claw out my chest, the trees shaking and shuddering, bones breaking. 

I am a tangled knot of burdens, my mother ruefully prophesied staring at the same water that beheld at my feet, the jagged edges of my own heart pressing into my ribs. The sharp sting of grief creeped in, curling around my throat and choking the air from my lungs. Goodness in the universe did not seem to find me. Envy, jealousy, agony, they seemed to fill me up, so full yet I could not throw the infested emotions away. They grew within until my heart seemed blackened with contempt and anger, until the mere glance of a stranger seemed to rise a frustration that little could quench. Why was I angry at everyone? All the time?

Before I perceived what unfolded, the woman not far in front of me, kneels over, wheezing and coughing but her laughter rang atop the bucketing of rain. A hysterical smile had grazed her face and her body shakes with insanity. She unleashes a guttural scream that was sure to awaken the monsters of night, pacing the bridge, her chest heaving with every sob, and her hair flung carelessly to one side, appearing forlorn and unkempt. Salted tears fall upon from the heavens above, staining the ground beneath our feet. She stares at me, her tears growing fiercer as the rain fell faster. She seemed to wait for something. 

My heart slams against my ribs and I seem to have quickly forgotten my past musings. It is a frantic rhythm that can not keep time with what's occurring. Laughter echoes from within, sharp and hollow, a brittle thing that slips from my throat. The world has stilled and my laugh is a splintering crack in the air, a sound torn from the gut, twisted with fear and disbelief, it claws out, torn from a place too ugly to name. This ringing laughter does not make sense yet I cannot silence it. 

The woman was waiting for something, why was I laughing at her silent request? It seemed natural to respond with laughter as anxiety filled me. Could I fulfil her request? Would she silence me and go on her way if I kept laughing like a lunatic? That seemed more viable than to converse with her.