It was ugly. The thing breathing and living inside of him. It seemed to swallow him whole, chanting spells that wavered his resolve, blinding him with insidious rage. With wretched claws, a twisted gaze and a snarl so wide it threatened to shatter the disguise of indifference. No, this was a beast of its own that lacked discipline.
His gaze slid from the river banks to the bridge. The rocks skimmed the water, droplets of rain fading away, sinking into the murky depths. It seemed to be a wonderful afternoon, the kind of weather that others prayed for on a Saturday afternoon. Perched on the shore, he could witness life in all its glory. The children playing make believe on the swing sets, chasing each other with paint and glitter that they would never shake out of their hair. The couple on the wooden bench, with dandelions at their feet and a blanket of food between them, their past, present and future all mapped out in one glorious, interlinked route. He knew instantly that they wouldn't last. The monster would swallow them whole too and they would sooner resent each other and succumb to the allure of abandonment than be wed tomorrow and live a long marriage. That, he could tell and feel from the depth of his bones. Some had the gift of knowing exactly what another was feeling, others could tell if it would rain the next day based on the height of the trees. This, he knew intimately.
His feet swung on the cold pavement, wandering into the local bakery. He scrounged for pennies, ripping into his worn pockets of his old, brown coat. His feet shuddered against the warm floors of the shop and his overbearing figure towered over the next customer as they quietly side stepped away from him. The old man at the counter had switched his boots, he noticed. Winter is coming, the server said haughtily when asked. The monster threatened to snarl at him but was tempered quickly. He was careful not to slam the door too loudly.
He hated the people of this small town. They ran like clockwork, petite and golden. They loved to smile, were always open and kind but held you at arms length. The leash was tight enough that you never wanted to leave but loose enough that it felt wrong to stay. He only stayed because his father, a generous man had paid to keep a roof over his head and felt it was rude to abandon that. But one fateful day in May, his old man went fishing and never returned. His body was found in the morning. And so he went into the casket and they did the song and dance. He didn't cry. The monster sniffed at the sight of death and pledged indifference. It shrugged at grief.
Sickened at the sight of the freshly cut flowers and the pitying stares in the long lines at the shops, he packed his bag and left town. No one was left to mourn him and the distant mountains rang his name, seemingly safer. Away from prying eyes and cautious gazes, he could wander as he pleased. Rebuild and resettle but the green eyed monster would still live on if he lingered too long in one town. So he would move again and again.
He never seemed to fit anywhere. The leftover piece, he imagined his hometown would whisper. The world was one big puzzle and he was that piece that belonged to another planet. No matter how many times they tried to make him fit, he would never really belong. Bent, out of shape and never really one of them. Alien and unwelcome.
But selfishly, he was relieved the monster inside lived on just as one is grateful that rejection exists. They would tie in together and he was determined to pledge forward, to put more acres between himself and the places he once called home. It meant he still had hope that better days lived on. Only when it succumbed to disintegration, did he know that he would hit rock bottom. He did this until history came calling. Until reality gave him a phone call and a shot at redemption.
He returned three decades later, to the same town that had seen his father's death and his abandonment at everything that tied him together. He no longer recognised it. The people had grown taller, colder and gardens were withering and dying. The river banks where he spent countless weeks searching for happiness were gone. The weeds ripped out, the swing sets gone and all that was left was dust and rubble. Construction of a new apartment building was beginning in the summer. Just like that, he blinked and his childhood was reduced to some luxury condos.
That was when he realised, with a heavy heart, the monster had won.
He had lost everything.
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